What do after kids argue with you.
Your child forgot to make the bed again. This has been happening for the post few days.
At first, you tried to approach your child with a soft tone: "When you're done eating breakfast, can you make your bed?" But, that didn't work.
You tried to reason through it. "He [or she] has lots of homework. He's just a little off-track," you ponder.
On the third try, you give direct instructions, "You need to make your bed in the morning," and you get clear defiance. The infamous "NO", or worse, "I don't have time for that."
It starts. You start shouting. Your child starts shouting. You get mild compliance, but the child is giving you attitude so the battle ensues.
In the end, of course, you are victorious. But, you feel bad because you might have gone too far.
Here's what you can do:
If what you argued about was correct:
Option 1: Remind your child what the argument was about the next time you see him or her. A child can get caught up in the emotions without remembering the main point of the argument. Use something like, "you can play video games if you have already been responsible by making your bed." Or try, "remember to make your bed."
Option 2: If you want to play it safe, the next time you see your child see what he or she does first. If he or she is genuinely resentful, go for a calm conversation: "I'm sorry you still feel upset. It is important that you complete your homework so that you get the practice that every student needs." Make sure you repeat your main point several times in the conversation (or lecture if you child doesn't feel like talking), especially at the end.
Option 3: Be neutral. Talk to your child when you have a question that he or she will almost definitely (nothing's 100% right?) answer: "What do you want for dinner, sandwiches or chinese food?" This let's your child know that the argument wasn't the end of everything. It continues your relationship with your child in a way that is non-confrontational.
If what you argued about was not correct.
Guess what! If you were wrong to argue...you need to apologize. This is the best option in this situation. For example, if your child was supposed to make the bed, but they had been waking up late from finising homework--too late to make the bed--you're probably not correct in making your child feel guilty about making the bed.
"I'm sorry for yelling at you. I thought that you were being irresponsible for XYZ, but I now I understand you had excuse ABC."
I still recommend that you make your expectations clear. Let your child know what was supposed to happen: "I should have asked you calmly to find out why you weren't making the bed." In the future, you need to do this, this and this, and I need to do that, that and that.
If you have a human child, you're probably human. It's okay to have arguments because that's what humans do sometimes. Keep working on your relationship with your child, and you'll find success.
As always, feel free to comment about your experiences in parenting. I'm available for free consulting on starting a dialogue with your child's teacher or otherwise!
-Shawn
