Moves that stop kids arguing.
I've heard it many times. "My kids argue always." "Kids argue so much that I can't take it." These days, people seem more interested in making fun of kids arguing. There are numerous YouTube videos of kids arguing and fighting.
Theses kinds of behaviors promote those grocery store arguments with strangers that we try to hard to ignore. They ignite hatred among strangers over trivial matters like the last loaf of half-off bread or accidentally bumping into someone on the way out.
Our kids need social skills so that they can go out into the world and live happy lives. But they can't get the social skills they may desperately need if they're always arguing with us. Check out this site on 5 social skills students need for the school year.
The reality is that many kids are not ready to learn social skills. They only know arguing. You enter a room and they start teasing or making demands. Most of the time they don't even seem to realize what they're doing. They can be self-centered. This can make it even easier to get into arguments with them.
The worst part is that because some kids argue so often, they can become experts in it. In the teaching world, we call this behavior defiance.
There are many programs which target argumentative or "defiant" kids like Responsive Classroom, here. Responsive classrooms emphasize teaching social skills alongside academic skills. For example, in addition to requiring student to complete Math and Language Arts assignments, time is also set aside for class meetings in which students develop social skills.
The reality, however, is that in practice, knowing social skills and even knowing how to teach social skills is not going to help if your kid argues continuously.
During an argument, here are 3 moves you can use to stop the argument.
Stop talking. Arguing has at least 2 people involved. If one person stops arguing, the argument will stop. You don't have to say anything. Just stop talking and stare into the distance. This will have several benefits: it stops the arguing, it gives you time to think about what you're going to say next, and it models taking time to reflect for your child.
Compromise. Sometimes your child simply won't understand your point of view. Find a solution to your problem which your child will agree to but will still benefit the child. If you're in an argument with your child, there is a strong possibility that your relationship will be weaker because of it. Decide on offering a compromise that will benefit your child at least a little, instead of losing the argument completely.
Postpone the argument. When emotions fly, it can be hard to think, especially for the little ones. Children may not have the capacity to think as clearly as adults when emotional. Let the child know that you have something else to do, and that the conversation must be put on hold. The con about this option is that this won't work for arguments which have a time constraint.
As always, feel free to comment about your experiences in parenting. I'm available for free consulting on starting a dialogue with your child's teacher or otherwise!
-Shawn
