The seldom needed art of arguing.
I have a student who hates arguing. When in conflict he tucks his head under his hood like a turtle and refuses to talk. I sympathize because I also do not like to argue.
Of course, avoiding arguments by shutting down isn't a skill that will generalize to the outside world. It's natural to get into arguments. In some families, arguing is a common and helpful way to express your feelings. No one wants to be around someone who can explode at any moment because they are holding their feelings in.
There is plenty of research which supports the benefits of maintaining a positive classroom. I don't feel arguing is ever the best option in confrontations with children. However, arguing can definitely work with certain students in certain situations. The benefits of winning an argument can outweigh the disadvantages of letting a child continue to misbehave.
As a teacher, arguing is one of many ways I confront behavior with my students. There are several situations which may call for it. I work with a few students who tend to dismiss a soft voice when they are upset. Although I rarely argue with students, when I have, I have been successful.
"I don't want to hear it." I've heard this phrase a few times this year. It's disrespectful. I'm trained to stay calm and always speak with a comforting tone: "I can see you're feeling angry and I'm glad we can talk. We must continue to use kind words in class..." I'm good at being comforting.
Unfortunately, when you hear a demeaning phrase like, "I don't want to hear it." It must be returned with a little more strength than the classic, "I can see that you're feeling ______." When a student feels comfortable using demeaning phrases, it takes away from an adult's authority. Simply put, children cannot have the power to decide when an adult can and cannot speak.
On the bright side, the "I don't want to hear it" has been dealt with before. I've seen it shut down in action when I was at a friend's house. Her nephew used the phrase and this was her reaction: "I know you did not just say that to me. You're going to have to listen up because this is important..." She used an argumentative tone and it worked. She knows her child and knows when to argue.
As someone who works with students. Arguing with them is hardly a first step. It happens rarely in my classroom and I don't consider arguing good teaching. However, being able to argue with a student is a must-have teacher skill.
There are some situations where a quick, strong front is needed to halt an unwanted behavior. If a student performing multiple misbehaviors using a stern tone can stop the student in his tracks and reflect on his behaviors. If a class shows signs that it will go out of control, a stern tone can get the class' attention on the teacher so that the teacher can give direction.
For the same reason, arguing with a student can stop a misbehavior and focus attention on what words you have for the child . to learn from.
Here are some guidelines:
Decide ASAP if arguing with the child is an option. I don't recommend arguing with a child who argues all the time. There are students who have mastered arguing. Arguing with these students reinforces a need to argue. I don't recommend adding argument fire to a kid who is already fiery. When you decide, arguing can be one of your options when confronting a child who is misbehaving.
If you decide to argue, aim to win the argument. If you lose your position as the person in charge, the child loses a mentor. This doesn't require that you get angry. It just means that if you haven't won the argument, you should probably extend it until you win out. You need admittance of wrongdoing or at minimum a compromise on whatever you were arguing about.
I highly recommend that you know the child well before arguing with him or her. One of the best ways of learning is reflecting on past experiences. Many children are not yet able to reflect on their past experiences. It can be helpful to have an adult to remind them. This works in and outside of an argument.
Rely on universal (or near universal) ethics. There are some arguments which are very hard to argue against. You can argue that it is important to be respectful, kind, safe or responsible. Any argument that supports family can also be used. For example, who can argue against taking care of your family? I have a student who used to be aggressive against his teachers. As he matured, he realized the burden of his misbehaviors in school on his family. His mom would have to come to school. His grandparents would have to worry about him constantly. With this child, I do not raise my voice, but we have argued about using physical force against other people. One argument I use with him is that his mother is counting on him to be able to be safe in school. It works well because he (and many other) do not want to disappoint their family.
